We all live in challenging times, and no I am not talking about the challenges of what’s on the news and has been for months, Covid and all. But, the mere fact that essentially, we are all just doing our best to live the best life and version of ourselves, and regardless at times we may not be ok.
With our picture-perfect lives portrayed on social media, the lingering concept that it is not ok not to be ok and one of the biggest issues our society faces – isolation and loneliness, how can we actually speak our truth when asked ‘How are you?’
I was asked this question just recently by someone, but more so, how to answer it in a way that does open up an honest response especially when one is not feeling good or ok.
I know, we have the ‘Are you ok’ initiative and it is great to see so many people getting into it, not just during the campaign days but at any time. We all need that. But how can you answer when you are not ok. How can you let someone know that you are struggling without putting them or yourself on the spot.
You see, the same as when we ask someone we meet how they are and it’s more of an automated throw-away phrase, for the person who is asked, they are expected to reply with the same meaningless revert to keep things flowing. Nobody really wants to know how you are and hear all you might be struggling with when they ask this question.
And, while there are times in which one could say ‘well, actually, I am not doing good or I am not ok’ – mostly, these are far and few in between. Also, when you are not feeling ok, you usually don’t feel ok about talking about it just randomly, although that can sometimes be the very place or person we need to do this with.
What I have found to be working, is something that allows me to express to people that I am not ok, yet gives them the opportunity to choose to move past the automated ‘how are ya’ ping-pong or not. It is this…
“Do you want the truth or should I say what everyone says?”
Firstly, it already is not what everyone else says. Therein lies the first step, that is to pull the other person up in their habitual expression and predictable expectation of what is to be said. That means, they are (in most cases) more present with you, rather than on autopilot. Next, it gives them the option to say, ‘No, I want the truth, how are you really feeling’ or say something like ‘Oh, just say what everyone else says’.
In either case, it is a subtle way to let others know that maybe you need to have more than a ‘Hi, how are you’ and actually need to talk or need help. At the same time you leave it up to them to choose whether they want to go there or go there at that moment. You see, someone might take it as a humorous way to reply, but it will make them think.
And, you have let them know that if they are able, available or have capacity to really find out how you are doing, that you might need that. And, they can choose to do so, there and then or later.
My experience has been that some people will brush it off in the moment, but then reach out later and check in for real. Other times they go half way and give me an opportunity to just share a little and they will listen and then say, ‘hey, lets catch up later or can I call you, or something like that.
In either case, you have a 50/50 chance to get heard, get the response or help you might need, you have opened the door just that little bit further for the conversation you need to have to take place. And, you have honoured yourself too.
You see, it often is not the people you would expect to stop to hear you, but those you least expect who will take the time to listen to what is really going on for you. By using this kind of playful way to respond to a question we all ask but rarely mean, you open up the opportunity to be heard. Whether in that moment, or later.
Just as a practice to speak more truth and to start the process to say to the world ‘I am not ok’ in a way that it can receive it, this might work for you too. Using this is a way of honouring yourself more and may well be a way to navigate the question ‘How are you going’ without dumping your disposition on the wrong people or the right people at the wrong time.
Over to you, hope this is helpful. EB
